If you’re trying to handle a breakup, you’re probably desperate to get in touch with your ex. But if you really want to get them back, resist the impulse to contact them. Right now it’s the worst thing you can do.

A breakup – especially one you didn’t want – is an emotional roller coaster. Your feelings are supercharged; you feel hurt, confused, and betrayed. One moment you’re boiling with intense anger and resentment, and the next you’re full of grief and sadness. It’s almost impossible to look at the situation calmly, but if you really want to get your ex back that’s exactly what you’re going to have to do.

Don’t initiate contact!

Your gut impulse may be to get in contact with your ex as often as you can, in any way that you can. But if you did talk to them now, what would you say? Chances are you’d either explode with rage or cry and beg them to take you back… and either one will simply drive them farther and farther away. There’s nothing like a confrontation with a hysterical former partner to make someone absolutely certain that breaking up was the right thing to do.

Give yourself and your ex time to think

Even if your ex tries to contact you, be strong and simply say this just isn’t the right time. A couple of weeks of non-communication will give you both an opportunity to calm down and think about your relationship.

There’s another benefit to refusing contact following a breakup. If your ex took you for granted and simply assumed that you’d automatically take them back no matter what, this will make them see you from a new angle. There’s a good chance they might start rethinking their decision to break up.

Don’t talk about the breakup with your friends

There’s a huge temptation to keeping going over and over the details of the breakup with your friends, your family, or anyone who will listen and sympathize. This is a huge mistake!! You may think that talking about it will make you feel better, but in reality the exact opposite will happen.

The more often you hear yourself telling the story of how badly you were treated and how much you were hurt, the more like a hopeless victim you’re going to feel. And the fact is, a hopeless victim doesn’t behave with self-respect, doesn’t make good decisions, and doesn’t win their ex back.

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